Monday, February 29, 2016

hello again again

So, it's been a while, huh?

Back in 2007/2008, when I first lost weight after having my third baby, this blog was a huge part of my journey. I never really thought people would ever read it--it was more a way for me to work out my feelings in writing, which always helps me process things more than, say, talking things out. And when I realized people were reading the blog and it was helping them in their own journeys, that was just an awesome side benefit.

Then my life got really really good for a few years. I was teaching a lot of Zumba classes and was in the best shape of my life. I was finally really feeling my role as a mom, and fully enjoying my kids. We bought a house. Things were rosy, and I fell away from writing.

But now, things are tough for me again. I've gained a ton of weight, topping out at my highest--196--at the end of 2013 and hanging out there until just recently, when I managed to stay too busy to eat, and got down to about 185-190, which is where I've been hanging out for about a year.

My role in life has completely changed. My kids are all in school, and once they were old enough to be full-time, I had to go get a full time job. That left no time for teaching Zumba classes, hence not just the weight gain but also a huge loss the in strength, agility, and endurance that I loved so much and took so much pride in. I had a brief stint playing roller derby, but had to give that up when I went back to school.

I quit my job to go back to school to be a physical therapist assistant. While this is a great, positive change, it comes with a lot--a LOT--of stress, which is manifesting itself around my waist. Eating right and exercising has taken a back seat to studying ...and studying ...and studying.

My marriage has been rocky, too. The last few years mark the first time my husband and I have been home together for any length of time. Before that, I was always working nights and weekends, or running out to Zumba classes or events. So now, 16 years into our marriage, it's like we're finally going through the adjustment period that most couples work through after the honeymoon. It's the first time we've really done any kind of work on our marriage, and while I feel like things are on an upswing and I'm incredibly thankful my husband wants to put in the work, it's exhausting and stressful. I've cried more in the last 3 years than probably the rest of my life combined.

On top of all that, I've completely deconstructed the faith that I identified with since high school. It started out with one or two doubts here and there that I easily dismissed as beneficial. I reasoned that you can't have a sincere faith without doubts--that's just blind brainwashing. But more recently, the doubts started building and then everything came crashing down like an avalanche. Now I'm left in a pile of rubble with no time--and frankly, at the moment, no interest--to sort out the good stuff from the bad.

All that has been way too freaking much change in way too short a time. I've been depressed. My best friend is worried about me. My kids are a little baffled. My husband walks on eggshells around me. Even when I think I'm holding things together OK, anyone with half an ounce of empathy tells me I seem like I'm about to fall apart.

So I started seeing a therapist. It's going well, but I need to start writing again. Even if no one ever reads what I write. I just need to get things out, and be able to track where I've been and how far I've come. I am! This probably won't be strictly a weight loss blog, or Zumba blog, or roller derby blog, or strictly-any-one-thing blog, but more like a mashup of whatever I'm up to. I don't know if anyone has bothered to read this far, but regardless of numbers, I'll be here, writing away. So, feel free to comment and say hello.