Thursday, June 23, 2011

I'm back, so help me Jebus

Thee of you keeping track (i.e. zero of you) will notice that, for the last two years, my posts on here have been VERY sporadic. And when I do post, I'm not really giving you a whole lot of information. Especially not anything too personal. There are several minor reasons for this--time crunches, the inconvenience of sharing a computer with the whole family and having to wait my turn, and a little struggle with the kind of inherently-narcissistic nature of blogging--but really? the thing it's really about?

I've spent the last two years getting fat again, and I didn't want you to know.

Of course, maybe if I'd been making time for you more regularly, that accountability would have made it harder to ignore plain truth, but as it was, I just came up with excuse after excuse--I'm just bloated, it's the weather, makes me eat, I'll start tomorrow--until finally I looked in the mirror and saw the same face (and ass and thighs and gut and back and arms) that stared out at me three and a half years ago.

I didn't want you to know. I mean, some fitness instructor I am. Some role model.

So I've been vacillating between struggling with it and promising to do better, and trying to ignore it and hope the fat will go away on it's own, and giving up altogether and just sitting down to a table of brownies. You've witnessed some of that here, but none of my attempts at getting back on track have been very serious, or long-lived. I think that might have been because I wasnt really experiencing any negative effects of my backsliding. My family life was great--now that my youngest is about to go to kindergarten in the fall, I'd just given up a bunch of classes on nights and weekends and now I'm working on getting daytime classes, so I'm spending more time with my husband and kids than I have in a VERY long time, and this is actually an enjoyable thing so far.

My love life is great--I don't have to expand upon that, right?

I'm a well-respected Zumba instructor, I still love teaching, I'm learning new things--new rhythms, new steps, new methods--and meeting new people and I'm fully enjoying my new position as Zumba Jammer.

I have adventure in life--thanks to the surge in free time, my husband and I have found things we enjoy doing together, which has always been a difficulty--and this summer we're going to Mexico as part of a missions trip.

And my health is amazing--you'd think, just by looking at my bloodwork and resting heartrate and whatnot, that I was at a healthy weight.

So all great stuff, because as we all know, you don't NEED to be thin to enjoy a great life.'s the but. There ARE some things that I feel my rapidly-increasing weight (almost 30 lbs in two years, for the record) IS impacting:

*My career. I want, more than I can even state, to be a ZES, or Zumba Educational Specialist. I know what it entails, and I'm willing to work so hard. I want to lead people to be great instructors. I get off on seeing people get to do what they love. And it's not for me to say what Zumba Fitness looks for in it's trainers, but if it were up to me, I'd want to find someone who represents the benefits of the brand--for one, a strongand healthy body. I'd at LEAST want someone who can wear the clothes, y'know? And thoughts like that influence my confidence levels--not just when I'm taping the videos for my application for the next ZES call, but when I'm at events with other instructors, when I'm teaching, when I post pictures promoting my events. I KNOW I shouldn't worry about it; I should focus on my skills and doing what I love and helping other people. And I do. And that other stuff isn't ALWAYS there. But it keeps popping up, in the back of my mind.

There are other things too, like how I'm influencing my children's choices. I want them to have a healthy mentality, but how can I model that, pass that onto them, when I don't have a healthy mental process regarding food myself? and I can't remember when I ever did?? How do I know what it is like to wake up and not worry about what I'm going to eat or not eat in tbs meal or that situation? What does a normal relationship with food look like??

Holy long post...

Anyway, I'm planning a month of pure eating. I still have to hammer out the details of just what that means--do a little research, decide how much I want to sacrifice, how to make it work in the midst of, you know, LIFE--but the month of July is going to be at least processed-sugar-free. I'll let you know what other details I hammer out, but that much, at least, is a given. Why July? Well, because my birthday is at the end of June and that just isn't a good time for me to be making huge changes. I'm going to have cake. Dammit.

And you'll want to stay tuned--I'll be issuing challenges you can do with me, like drink more water and whatnot. Having people with me will help me along, and really, we all know blog oh is all about the blogger.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post, but if I have? Well, it is what it is. I'm trying to get back to the very early days of this blog when I was honest. I want to inspire people, and I'm not going to worry anymore about people I know reading it.

Here we go.