Thursday, December 29, 2011

resolutions. discuss.

Me, I like resolutions. I like the promise of a new year, like turning the page in my notebook, fresh and clean after the messy scribbles of the last page. If the new year didn't come right directly after what is, for me, the very messiest part of the year, I think I wouldn't feel that way, but by the time December ends I am desperate and ready for change and the start of a new year just seems like the right time. Of course, I struggle with not being very goal- or task-oriented, so my resolutions are usually forgotten as real life takes over--just like that notebook page gets written on and scribbled over and things get crossed out and other things get written over it. But yeah. I'm an idealist. I love the feeling of hope and expectation and anticipation of goals accomplished. I'm working on how to get things really done this's actually one of my resolutions to not say I'm going to do something and then not do it. I like resolutions. I'm ready for 2012.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Deep breath!

OK. I am calm. I am calm.

Sorry for the temper tantrum of the last post. I am calm now. I am...zen.

No! Wait! That's the wrong picture!

OK much better. I'm Jamaica-calm.

Hey wait! I haven't told you about Jamaica yet, have I???

I will. Just not right now.

Monday, September 12, 2011

dont wanna talk about it

Don't ask me.

Don't ask me if I'm eating right or if I'm exercising or if I'm doing any of the things I told you I would be doing.

I don't wanna talk about it.

And please, PLEASE don't ask me about how I look or how my body image is or how my self esteem is, or anything like that right now.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

new toy

Oh you're in for it now.

I just got a new laptop. Well, netbook. It's tiny, lightweight, and ...well, obnoxiously slow...but hey, I can get online anywhere there is wifi. The better to blog at you with, my dear!!!

I'm not really prepared to post about much else right now--I'm busy watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on TV--but I'll tell you I've lost a couple of pounds this month and it's due more to it being too dang hot to eat than to me following my own rules...but hey, I'll take it for now. :)

Till later!

Saturday, July 09, 2011

9 days in

Today is July 9, which means two things:
1) it is the 9th day of July, the month I am dedicating to eating healthy. Or, healthierrrrr.
2) the last day of Zumba instructor convention is tomorrow, and soon all my friends will be home with pictures and stories and new Zumbawear stuff.

Now, you might not care about the second point. You may not even care about the first point! Although, if you don't care about either point, you might want to redirect your browser cuz, um, that's all I got for today. But For those who might care...

It's the 9th day of my month of healthier eating!! Now, I have to tell you , I started out thinking I'd go vegan again, cold to speak. But that means I'd have to throw away a ton of food and buy a ton of other food, and the food budget in this house just cannot take that kind of pressure. So a more gradual, more flexible plan was in order.

Then I thought I would make one change--big change, little change, just some change for the better--per week. So this first week I gave up any food that would be explicitly considered junk food. You know, all the stuff I love: brownies, ice cream, cookies, cake.

I did pretty well with that. There was one time I ate half a frosted sugar cookie from the supermarket and then threw the rest away because it tasted chemical-ish. Gross. That was 7 days into the week, so I guess the ol' taste buds had done some housecleaning. And there was one night when I took the kids for ice cream. I started my kiddie-sized cone but didn't' get halfway through it before I decided I was done. So I threw it out. And one night, we had s'mores and I had one s'more that was absolute perfection--marshmallows toasted just right, chocolate perfectly melty, graham cracker just stale enough that it doesn't smash to pieces when you bite into it, perfect ratio of chocolate to marshmallow to graham cracker...I ate that whole thing and savored every bite.

Now, you might be thinking, "That is what you call 'doing pretty well'"??? And you would be right to question. Generally speaking, half an ice cream cone, half a frosted sugar cookie, and a whole amazing s'more do not a diet plan make. But! If you saw how I've been eating lately--and by lately I mean, like for the last year--you would be amazed. Amazed!!!

And the best part was my mental attitude. Approaching the week with a vague plan made me more than a little nervous at first. You know, failing to plan is planning to fail, and all that. But I have such a stupid, obnoxious rebellious streak--great when put to good use protesting all that is bad, but really really lame when engaged in self-sabotage--that I can't go into this with a strict policy of "eat this, don't eat that". Because as soon as I tell my self I'm never going to eat cheese again, I go to the supermarket and buy up every kind of cheese I love (which is a lot) and plenty of crackers and wine to go with it all. I tell myself it's a "last meal" before the diet. But then I tell myself I won't do it anymore. And then I do.

So this week, with the permissive attitude, it was easy to take every decision on it's own and measure if the treat was really something I wanted. If it wasn't, I was free to leave it and have something else or even have nothing now and something treat-ish another time. It was...liberating. And kind of a revelation for me. I'm usually like, "What?? There are sweets at this party? But I'm not supposed to have sweets! OMG let me just eat the ENTIRE TABLE full of sweets NOW while I'm at a party because you have to eat the sweets at a party, it's rude not to, so let me cram all these down while I STILL CAN!!!" And I tell myself it's just for that one party or event, but really. There's always some other party, or event, or birthday, or date with the hubby, or family outing, or girls' night out, or...or...or...

Hehehe yeahhhh. I'm that dumb.

Anyway, for this next week, the plan is to drink no sweetened beverages. Tell ya how it goes.

Later...starting at a new gym, food type or calorie content?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I'm back, so help me Jebus

Thee of you keeping track (i.e. zero of you) will notice that, for the last two years, my posts on here have been VERY sporadic. And when I do post, I'm not really giving you a whole lot of information. Especially not anything too personal. There are several minor reasons for this--time crunches, the inconvenience of sharing a computer with the whole family and having to wait my turn, and a little struggle with the kind of inherently-narcissistic nature of blogging--but really? the thing it's really about?

I've spent the last two years getting fat again, and I didn't want you to know.

Of course, maybe if I'd been making time for you more regularly, that accountability would have made it harder to ignore plain truth, but as it was, I just came up with excuse after excuse--I'm just bloated, it's the weather, makes me eat, I'll start tomorrow--until finally I looked in the mirror and saw the same face (and ass and thighs and gut and back and arms) that stared out at me three and a half years ago.

I didn't want you to know. I mean, some fitness instructor I am. Some role model.

So I've been vacillating between struggling with it and promising to do better, and trying to ignore it and hope the fat will go away on it's own, and giving up altogether and just sitting down to a table of brownies. You've witnessed some of that here, but none of my attempts at getting back on track have been very serious, or long-lived. I think that might have been because I wasnt really experiencing any negative effects of my backsliding. My family life was great--now that my youngest is about to go to kindergarten in the fall, I'd just given up a bunch of classes on nights and weekends and now I'm working on getting daytime classes, so I'm spending more time with my husband and kids than I have in a VERY long time, and this is actually an enjoyable thing so far.

My love life is great--I don't have to expand upon that, right?

I'm a well-respected Zumba instructor, I still love teaching, I'm learning new things--new rhythms, new steps, new methods--and meeting new people and I'm fully enjoying my new position as Zumba Jammer.

I have adventure in life--thanks to the surge in free time, my husband and I have found things we enjoy doing together, which has always been a difficulty--and this summer we're going to Mexico as part of a missions trip.

And my health is amazing--you'd think, just by looking at my bloodwork and resting heartrate and whatnot, that I was at a healthy weight.

So all great stuff, because as we all know, you don't NEED to be thin to enjoy a great life.'s the but. There ARE some things that I feel my rapidly-increasing weight (almost 30 lbs in two years, for the record) IS impacting:

*My career. I want, more than I can even state, to be a ZES, or Zumba Educational Specialist. I know what it entails, and I'm willing to work so hard. I want to lead people to be great instructors. I get off on seeing people get to do what they love. And it's not for me to say what Zumba Fitness looks for in it's trainers, but if it were up to me, I'd want to find someone who represents the benefits of the brand--for one, a strongand healthy body. I'd at LEAST want someone who can wear the clothes, y'know? And thoughts like that influence my confidence levels--not just when I'm taping the videos for my application for the next ZES call, but when I'm at events with other instructors, when I'm teaching, when I post pictures promoting my events. I KNOW I shouldn't worry about it; I should focus on my skills and doing what I love and helping other people. And I do. And that other stuff isn't ALWAYS there. But it keeps popping up, in the back of my mind.

There are other things too, like how I'm influencing my children's choices. I want them to have a healthy mentality, but how can I model that, pass that onto them, when I don't have a healthy mental process regarding food myself? and I can't remember when I ever did?? How do I know what it is like to wake up and not worry about what I'm going to eat or not eat in tbs meal or that situation? What does a normal relationship with food look like??

Holy long post...

Anyway, I'm planning a month of pure eating. I still have to hammer out the details of just what that means--do a little research, decide how much I want to sacrifice, how to make it work in the midst of, you know, LIFE--but the month of July is going to be at least processed-sugar-free. I'll let you know what other details I hammer out, but that much, at least, is a given. Why July? Well, because my birthday is at the end of June and that just isn't a good time for me to be making huge changes. I'm going to have cake. Dammit.

And you'll want to stay tuned--I'll be issuing challenges you can do with me, like drink more water and whatnot. Having people with me will help me along, and really, we all know blog oh is all about the blogger.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post, but if I have? Well, it is what it is. I'm trying to get back to the very early days of this blog when I was honest. I want to inspire people, and I'm not going to worry anymore about people I know reading it.

Here we go.

Friday, January 21, 2011

happy new year!

Hey people!

It's a new year. Everyone's making their resolutions. A lot of fitness people get frustrated with the new-years-resolution crowd, but I don't mind it. Partially because I AM a part of that crowd again this year? Maybe. But really, I think it's better to try, give up, go back to your old ways, and then try again come the new year then to try, give up, and figure it's not worth it. Or try, give up, and then get intimidated by the fitness people who are so frustrated with the NYR crowd and just forget it.

Of course it's best to just try once and DO IT all the time, but who does that?!?! Fitness people. Who get frustrated with the NYR crowd. Which makes me wonder if the frustration comes from a secret fear of being that person, that person who has been healthy, has backslid (backslidden? backslided?), and now needs to get back on track. On New Years Day. Whatever. I'm no shrink. And of course, it's slightly less-good, but still better, to try, fall, try again with the very next food/fitness decision you have to make, and not wait until tomorrow/Monday/the new year. But really. Let's take what we can get!

Anyway, as part of my own journey, I joined up with a group of women in my area who are doing a weight-loss competition. I'm not hugely competitive, but if it involves competing with myself I can totally get behind it. More about that later. So I joined up, went to get weighed, and--congratulations, me!!!--weighed 171.5!! That is exactly what I weighed 3 years ago, right before I went vegan and lost all that weight!!! WOW! I'm SPECTACULAR!!!! I'm back where I STARTED!!!

So, I cried on the way home and was bummed out all day. I walked around in a fog, feeling all pity-party-ish. Then I pulled myself together and looked at my options:
  1. I could say, "Eff this man!", give up, and gain a thousand pounds on brownies and ice cream. But I didn't want to do that. I have goals that necessitate being healthy. More about that later too.
  2. I could go vegan again, which I would actually really like--I felt so light and healthy. But then I end up eating different dinners than the rest of my (hard-core carnivore) family, and that kind of goes against what we teach the girls about eating what we serve them, and not being short-order cooks. It worked before, because I was working at night and they never knew what I had for dinner because I took it with me. Plus, trying to grocery-shop for two different eating styles is hard, and not easy on a tight budget.
  3. I could plan out a way to eat that wouldn't depress me, would work with my family's goals and budget, would set a good example for my children, and would fuel my workouts, which I would increase and actually plan and write out.
I chose number 3, as I'm sure you figured out. I'm still working on it. I've said in the past that eating "everything in moderation" doesn't work for me, because if I have a little chocolate, I'm going to have a lot of chocolate. But I'm trying to change that attitude, because when I tell myself I "can't have" this and that and this, I do well for a while and then dive headfirst off the deep end and gorge myself until I...well, until I gain back everything I lost, apparently. ;)

I mentioned in my last post (if I remember correctly; it's been a while, huh?) that I'm tracking my food intake on and I still am, but I have to be more faithful. Like, if I'm doing ok, and tracking as I go, and then I eat a quarter of my husband's birthday cake? I'll just stop tracking for the day. I need to not do that!!

I need to create some visual inspirational aids. Like, I just read on FB that one of the Biggest Loser guys writes his goal weight on his arm. I kinda think that's a good idea...but then, he lives on the BL ranch and doesn't have to explain to strangers at the grocery store why there's a big 140 or whatever on his forearm. I need stuff like that to look at and remind myself why I can't dont' want to eat half a pan of brownies. With frosting. And milk. Because it's easy to be inspired on January 1. It's harder, for me, on Jan 19. Or, really, pick a date. So yes, I will be making some visuals. Any suggestions, like the arm tattoo, are welcome.

OK! I have a lot more to write about, including the things I told you I'd write more about! But alas, I shall save that for another post. Promise it won't be long.