Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I want...
  • to inspire.
  • to go to Zumba Convention next year.
  • to go to Zumba Club Med next year.
  • to buy a whole new wardrobe. In a size 4.
  • to grow my hair long again.
  • to cut it all off after that and donate it so someone will wear a wig with my hair, which is weird but also awesome.
  • to someday have a studio of my very own.
  • to make a significant contribution to my family's income doing what I love.
  • to go back to school.
  • to mentor girls and young women.
  • be a leader in my field--someone other instructors turn to.
  • do 30 pushups in a row.
  • get back to drawing and writing and maybe...acting.
  • try roller derby.
  • serve God and be unapologetic in my faith.
  • teach my children the things they won't learn in school. Like how to balance a checkbook. OK, maybe their dad will have to teach them that one.
I reserve the right to:
  • give up the notion of "what I'm going to be when I grow up", because growing up is a process and not a destination and I am a person and not an endpoint or a checklist.
  • get cranky sometimes and need a time out.
  • use exercise as a serious venting mechanism.
  • try lots of different things, even when it means failing at some.
  • cry/yell/jump up and down, as long as I don't hurt anyone else.
  • be less-than-perfect.
  • be completely myself.
  • lose some friends and make some new ones.
  • call my mom just because I know she loves me no matter how stupid I'm being.
  • spend a whole day in my PJs snuggling with my family.
  • use lots of creamer in my coffee even if it means losing weight more slowly.
  • drive 4 hours to take a class with my favorite instructor.
  • wear bright purple cargo pants in public. With pride.
  • shower three times in a single day. Or not at all.
  • go too long between blog posts...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

blah blah diet blah blah convention blah blah BETO!

SO, how are y'all doing???

In my part of the world, we don't actually say "y'all." We say "you guys." Or, like my grandparents, "youse guys". But for some reason, the older I get, the harder it is to group people into "guys" because really, most of the people I talk to nowadays are women. And I just can't bring myself to say "you ladies" most of the time. I just can't. Saying that makes me feel like I should be drinking tea and wearing a dress and heels and pearls and stuff. I'm a coffee-jeans-chucks kinda girl. "You girls"? Nah...doesn't work either.

Hey you!!

So I've been on this diet for about a week and a half. It's going OK. I need to go food shopping again, because I look around my house for something to eat and end up going, "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

Now, before you start, please don't tell me that it's not about the diet, it's about a way of life or a way of eating. Because really, if I have to think about this as something--a way--that I have to maintain for the rest of my ever-loving life, I will cry. Really. As it is, I can barely think about keeping it up for the entirety of today. I just have to go moment by moment. Decision by decision.

But yeah, it's going OK. And I guess that's all I really want to say about it, because thinking too much about it just makes me want to reach for the nutty bars. Man, I love nutty bars.

So...convention! It was AWESOME! I do not have any pictures of my own to show you, because the settings were all wrong on my camera and it said I only had, like, 12 pictures to take on my memory card, and I figured I'd just get all bent out of shape if I set up to take lots of pictures and then died after just 12. So I didn't bother. Then, on the ride home from the airport, I fiddled with the camera, fixed the settings, and got the thing to say I had something ridiculous like 600 pictures. Nice, right? Nice. But I'm not much of a picture-taker myself anyway, so it's all good. For this post, I will be gratuitously stealing pictures from my friend/roomie. She won't mind, will you Michelle???


Michelle with Tanya and Gina

These were all over the floor in the hotel/convention center. So cool.

This is the guitarist from Bachaco. Check them out;they rock.
I'm already planning to save for next year (dear God in heaven, please someone give me a job so I can save for next year!!) but I think that, instead of Convention ( addition to it???) I want to go on whatever Zumba vacation they plan. Like, last year they went somewhere warm and beachy. I can't remember where, but the pictures made me drool. And this year they're going to Ixtapa Mexico. And next year is sure to be equally awesome. And when they go, it's Beto, some ZESs, and not-very-many other people. Taking lots of Zumba classes, relaxing on the beach, sipping yummy adult beverages... sighhh...

So that is the motivation for this diet. Because you know what? The whole time I was at convention, I could have gone in this pool:

But I never did! Not once! And do you know why??

Well, partly because it was almost always full of Aqua Zumba trainings.

But also! Because there was no way I was prancing around in front of my Zumba instructor colleagues in a bathing suit! Not even my very cute polka dotted retro suit! No way, no how!

(I will also say that I'm not really much of a swimmer. It just doesn't thrill me like it thrills other people. But really--I would have liked to at least go for a little dunk. And a little hot tub. And a little reading-in-the-sun, poolside.)

So, yes, if I cannot swim with my instructor friends because I am too dang insecure with how I look in a swimsuit, than I really need--an attitude adjustment? Well, yes, because I'm sure there are all kinds of reasons why my current attitude is stupid. But also I need to whip myself into shape. Be a model of what a Zumba body looks like. Yes.

But...Halloween is coming. And with three kids who can really haul in the goods, my house is going to be FILLED with candy.

I think maybe some little gnome is going to come in the middle of the night and flush candy down the toilet. Not all of it. Just the Butterfingers, Snickers bars, Kit-Kats...just the things I find utterly irresistable.

And isn't Halloween candy just a witch? (Hahah get it? Halloween? Witch?) It's so tiny and so individually wrapped. Now, for some people, this is great! because they can just take a little tiny piece, unwrap it, and eat it, and be satisfied!

Not me. HUH-uh.

I eat one. Then I think, that was so tiny, I can just eat another one. Then I repeat that process. Until the bag is gone.

Moderation? Is not my thing.

Which brings me back to the diet. And why I can't stand picturing myself on it forever. When I am trying to eat well, I can't have sweets in the house. At all. Because I devour them. I have to put a total moratorium on anything I like to eat. Good thing for my kids there are lots of things that have no power over me. Oreos? Don't do it for me. Sugar wafers? I just don't understand the appeal. Fruit snacks? Gag me with a spoon. But they love the stuff, so I can still keep a little sumpin sumpin around to toss in their school lunches every once in a while.

So we talked about the diet. We talked about convention. Talked about my motivation for losing weight, as disturbed as it might be. What else?

I'm slowly (so sloooowly) in the process of adding classes. I will continue to look for opportunities in my hometown, so my old students and I can whoop it up. I've had one or two things fall through, and it's taking its toll on my spirit, but I'm still going. It's tough, after three years, to practially start over again. Build up a class base again. Find a reliable place to teach without having to compromise my ideals. (Ideals? Something like that.) My schedule is here, and I'll keep updating it as I go. I also need a part-time job, to pay off some debt we dug ourselves into while I was with the studio. And I am WAY excited about throwing some crazy Zumba Jammer sessions...once the Zumba website for them is up and running. So, things are happening. Just...freaking...slow.

How are YOU? How do you keep your spirits up when diet or body image or circumstances try to drag you down? I pray. A LOT. It helps. Thank God. Like, literally. But I want to hear from you; how is your life??

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

kill me.

started diet yesterday.

feel like used-up toilet paper.

will post about it once i'm done detoxing.