Pages

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

that's it. me and food are on a *break*.

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I can't take it anymore!

The holidays! They're...they're wreaking havoc on my waistline!

OK, OK, that's not quite right. I am not a victim, no, I am quite active in my own destruction.

(Right now my mother is rolling her eyes, mumbling about how I was always such a drama queen...)

So um yeah. Me and the healthy eating? We seem to be on the outs. On a break, if you will. In a case of "It's not you, it's me," I have given my good, upstanding, church-going eating habits the boot in favor of more bad-boy, motorcycle-jacket-wearing habits like eating whatever junk is put in front of my face, and grabbing Oreo Cakesters and grape soda at the nearest convenience store. And it's starting to show.

Whereas I was once quite happy--bedazzled, even--by my own reflection as I taught classes, now I can barely bear to watch myself in the mirror. I actually caught myself by surprise one day when I took off my long-sleeved shirt after the warm up to reveal the much more fitting clothes underneath, and the big roll emerging from where my waist once was.

Me: "Where did YOU come from?!?!"
My roll: "Awww, I missed you too. Heh heh hehhhh."

So...ugh. I feel gross. I look...well, I don't wanna say I look gross but...I could certainly look better. And feeling gross just makes me feel like I look even worse, y'know?

I'm at a crossroads right now. Do I want to just say forget it! and keep eating what I want through the holidays? or do I stop right now, cold turkey, and go back to eating the things that make me feel whole, healthy, and clean?

Yummy, delicious, junk food now and bloating, fatigue, and headaches later?

Boring, sensible, straight-laced food now and lightness, energy, and a tiny waist later?

Temporal pleasure?

Lasting goodness?

I can't decide. But I have to come to some kind of conclusion because this eating-crap-because-it's-yummy-then-regretting-it-and-feeling-lazy-and-guilty thing has got to stop.
In related news:
If you've lost weight in the past, or if you're losing it now, do you ever notice how you'll lose a little weight, look in the mirror, and think, "Dang! I look really great!" and then after a while of staying at the same size, you start to think you look huge again?
Or conversely, if you're gaining weight, do you ever gain a little, think, "Ack!!! I've gained weight!" and then after a while of staying the same size, think, "I don't look so bad. What was I thinking? I shouldn't be so hard on myself."
I've been in both of those situations. The latter mindset is exactly how I got so fat in the first place. I'd gain weight, freak out, then after trying (somewhat) to lose weight, I'd look at myself and say "Meh. I don't look so bad. I shouldn't be so hard on myself." Then I'd go celebrate my excellent body image. With a pizza. And a sundae.
And now that I'm getting thinner (gradually...) I find myself in the other mindset. I shrink a little, get all excited about my hot little bod, then after a month of staying the same size I'm berating myself in the mirror again. It's sick! I'm not even sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing: I want to keep motivated and not be complacent, but I could do without the crazy mood swings. ;) What do you think?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

hi!!!

Sorry I've been neglecting you.

Again.

The good news!!! is that my new laptop!!! should be here any day!!

And then I can go back to blogging day and night without regard to normal sleeping and eating patterns.

Yahoo!

Soooo...how was your Thanksgiving?

Mine was totally wicked! I got to teach a class early that morning (up on a stage, always my favorite way to teach!), and then I got to spend the rest of the day with my husband, our kids, and his big extended family, including his brother, and his sister and her family, who we never get to see. And the kids--all girls, God help us for all the screeching--had a great time together and the best part? I didn't have to change diapers or feed bottles or anything because I have no more babies!!!

Now, that doesn't mean I get to sit around; no, not quite yet. I still have to chase Bek around to make sure she doesn't fall (jump) in the pool or stick her head in the oven or jump off the roof or something because she is prone to that kind of Dangermouse behavior.

Still, it's all good. I'll take that in place of baby dependence. Especially when there are other babies who aren't mine who I can cuddle and smell that yummy baby smell and then pass them right back. Yay!

While I am thrilled with the holidays--LOVE family togetherness, and the peace and joy and giftgiving that fills the air these days--I am totally over the holiday nonstop eating spree!!

Anyone with me?

Dear God in heaven, please save me from my apetite.

OK so, for Thanksgiving. I didn't have to cook, because we were going over the in-laws'. But I did cook, because I knew that everything there, including the vegetables, would be floating in butter and meat and who-knows-what. So I made a couple of vegan dishes--pumpkin ziti with carmelized onions and pumpkin brownies--that came out so awesome the last time I made them that I figured they'd be a slam dunk. I figured people would be begging me for the recipe and OMG how can *I* be a vegan like *YOU*?!?!?!? because it is delicious!!!!!11!!!1!

Yeah. Um...no.

I don't know what I did! But...but...they came out awful! I mean, they were edible, but I was going for life-changing. Certainly mouth-watering, at the very least.

But no. They were dry and bland and not even worth the cruelty-free calories. Even the brownies, in all their chocolate-pumpkin glory. Only the vegetables, which only had to be roasted in the oven, were halfway decent.

Needless to say, I had plenty to bring home. How many days has it been since Thanksgiving? I dunno...but I've barely even touched the leftovers. It's too depressing. So...no veggie converts for me. I would have even settled for a simple justification for why I eat this way, but now my family must be seriously worrying for my sanity.

"How can she eat like that? All the time?! She must be bored out of her skull!"

Sigh...

Anyway, on the Zumba front: Classes are going well! I did have a little...um...meltdown this morning. Or, more specifically, my stereo had a meltdown.

I had just got to the Y, with little time to spare before class started. I put on some music to set the mood while I did my Mr. Rogers impersonation, changing into my studio sneakers. ("It's a byootiful day in the neighboorhood...")

Then I started. We did our warmup. We went into the first song. I'm all excited and nervous because! New songs to teach today!

Then I smell something. It's a smelly smell that...smells. Like burning...wires?

Then all the music cuts out of the sound coming from the stereo, leaving just the vocals.

Then it's all gone.

Me: O.o "WTF?!?!???!?"

I run to the stereo, change the iPod for a CD.

Nothin.

I freak out.

Run around the Y, while my class, God bless them, picks up some jump ropes to keep up the ol' heart rate. Looking for a boombox. Looking for my boss. Looking for...a sinkhole to open up under me? You know how it feels, when it's not really anything you have control over but you wanna die anyway? Ugh.

Then I run to the front desk and hello, genius, find out the studio next to us has nothing going on for that hour. So YAY! There we head and, save for a short interlude featuring me trying to work the new-to-me stereo system, we finally get on with class.

And my students, they were so great, they stuck with me the whole time. I have to say...I think I would have been outta there. Although...we are talking Zumba. That's addictive stuff. :)

So that was fun.

We're getting Beto! He's coming to Boston! He's teaching a Master class the night of Jan 23 09, and then teaching an instructor workshop the 24th and 25. SOOOOO....if you want to learn how to teach Zumba, and you're in the New England area, head up to Boston! Beto is The Man, and you want to learn from him, if you can.

If you can't make it to Boston, I hear he'll be in Maine soon afterwards. As always, check out www.zumba.com for more information.

I have some more info I want to share with you, like a free demo class I'm giving in Sharon on January 5, but the girls are coming home any second and I have to take a pic for our Christmas cards and you know that getting a halfway decent shot of all three girls at once takes like um...forever. I'm thinking of working my mad photoshop skillz to meld three separate photos together, if it comes to that...but hopefully it won't because really? "Me" and "mad photoshop skillz" don't really correlate.

OK love you byebye.