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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

that's it. me and food are on a *break*.

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I can't take it anymore!

The holidays! They're...they're wreaking havoc on my waistline!

OK, OK, that's not quite right. I am not a victim, no, I am quite active in my own destruction.

(Right now my mother is rolling her eyes, mumbling about how I was always such a drama queen...)

So um yeah. Me and the healthy eating? We seem to be on the outs. On a break, if you will. In a case of "It's not you, it's me," I have given my good, upstanding, church-going eating habits the boot in favor of more bad-boy, motorcycle-jacket-wearing habits like eating whatever junk is put in front of my face, and grabbing Oreo Cakesters and grape soda at the nearest convenience store. And it's starting to show.

Whereas I was once quite happy--bedazzled, even--by my own reflection as I taught classes, now I can barely bear to watch myself in the mirror. I actually caught myself by surprise one day when I took off my long-sleeved shirt after the warm up to reveal the much more fitting clothes underneath, and the big roll emerging from where my waist once was.

Me: "Where did YOU come from?!?!"
My roll: "Awww, I missed you too. Heh heh hehhhh."

So...ugh. I feel gross. I look...well, I don't wanna say I look gross but...I could certainly look better. And feeling gross just makes me feel like I look even worse, y'know?

I'm at a crossroads right now. Do I want to just say forget it! and keep eating what I want through the holidays? or do I stop right now, cold turkey, and go back to eating the things that make me feel whole, healthy, and clean?

Yummy, delicious, junk food now and bloating, fatigue, and headaches later?

Boring, sensible, straight-laced food now and lightness, energy, and a tiny waist later?

Temporal pleasure?

Lasting goodness?

I can't decide. But I have to come to some kind of conclusion because this eating-crap-because-it's-yummy-then-regretting-it-and-feeling-lazy-and-guilty thing has got to stop.
In related news:
If you've lost weight in the past, or if you're losing it now, do you ever notice how you'll lose a little weight, look in the mirror, and think, "Dang! I look really great!" and then after a while of staying at the same size, you start to think you look huge again?
Or conversely, if you're gaining weight, do you ever gain a little, think, "Ack!!! I've gained weight!" and then after a while of staying the same size, think, "I don't look so bad. What was I thinking? I shouldn't be so hard on myself."
I've been in both of those situations. The latter mindset is exactly how I got so fat in the first place. I'd gain weight, freak out, then after trying (somewhat) to lose weight, I'd look at myself and say "Meh. I don't look so bad. I shouldn't be so hard on myself." Then I'd go celebrate my excellent body image. With a pizza. And a sundae.
And now that I'm getting thinner (gradually...) I find myself in the other mindset. I shrink a little, get all excited about my hot little bod, then after a month of staying the same size I'm berating myself in the mirror again. It's sick! I'm not even sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing: I want to keep motivated and not be complacent, but I could do without the crazy mood swings. ;) What do you think?
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