Tuesday, July 15, 2008

going in circles


It's late. I promised myself that when I got home from work I would clean the house, and that lingering fact is the only thing keeping me from falling unconscious into bed. Of course, the fact that the sooner I clean, the sooner I could sleep doesn't seem to deter me from procrastinating on the computer.

So...losing weight's a bitch, huh? Seriously. And just when I start thinking I look good--I get down to the next 10's mark on the scale, I fit in a smaller size of pants--a couple of weeks go by and all I see in the mirror is FAT again! What is up with that?!

I mentioned that to a girl I work with, who lost a lot of weight years ago and now competes in bodybuilding. She said it has something to do with how you get used to how you look. Then your expectations change.

That probably also explains the whole shopping-for-clothes thing. When I was a size 18, I could hold up a size 20 and know without looking at the tag that it was too big. I could hold a up a size 8 and realize how tiny it was. And I could hold up a size 18, my size, and realize it was just about right--"normal", if you will, at least what normal was for me then.

Now I hold up an 18 and, without looking at the tag, it looks huge. (Was I really that big?!) I hold up a size 4 and it looks tiny. I hold up a size 8 and it no longer looks tiny like it used to; it looks normal. All this is without looking at size tags--my brain just seems to recognize my size as "just right". But it's frustrating! I want to hold up the size I'm wearing and think, "Yup! I sure am tiny now!" Well, I guess I do that...for the first time anyway. After that it's like, OK, that's fine, but when do I get to the next size?!

You know what would help? If I could just get rid of the whole tummy-pooch thing. Seriously--nothing makes a girl feel fatter than knowing that if she just had a flatter tummy, she could easily fit into the next smaller size. It's like, even though my circumference measures so many inches less than it used to, just the fact that I'm still storing so much junk in my middle makes my body look out of proportion.

And nothing made me realize that quite so much as now--now that I'm in the same size as I was when I graduated high school. Because man, the number on the tag might be the same, but I sure as heck don't look the same. Everything's...shifted! I used to have the tiniest little waist in high school--I'd always complain about how my pants always gaped at the waist in back. Wah, wah, wah. Now I just kind of go straight down at the sides. And oh! I thought that, as I got fitter and stronger, I'd look so much better, especially from the side view. But as I get more defined in the tummy, the lower-belly pooch just sticks out more like a sore thumb! Like, Oooooh, you might have a flat stomach...if only it weren't for that part...

I blame it all on the kids. Good thing they're so cute. ;)

Oh, and can we talk about ARMS?!

I'm happy to say that, as much as I've just whined about losing weight, my measurements are still declining pretty steadily. Yay me. Thank you God.

But my freakin arms! They continue to stay stuck at the same size no matter what. If I look at them from a certain angle, like if I look directly at them, as opposed to looking at them in the mirror, they start to look kind of defined and muscley and hot. But from any other angle, which pretty much means any angle that anyone else is going to see them from, they just look big and round. It's so frustrating because I can feeeeeeel the muscle under there, just waiting to come out. I just can't see it yet. (That goes for most of the rest of me too. I always say I have great just can't see them yet.)

I'm hoping that they're staying the same size because the muscle is replacing the fat, and because my out-of-proportion midsection is shrinking more rapidly than the parts that aren't so huge, but dang, I want cut arms! I actually complimented some poor woman who came into my work the other day. She had gorgeous arms. She said it's cuz she spends the day picking up her daycare kids. I said, "I have kids! They're heavy! They like to be picked up! I'm just going to pick them up and put them down all day." Or something like that. I get kind of chatty at work. Sometimes I scare people. YOU doin?
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