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Friday, April 13, 2007

snore

Tomorrow's a long day. I'm getting up at 6 (or at least, y'know, that's the plan), going to the gym, showering, running home to see hubby for a bit, then going to a 9am meeting of the new "weight loss support group" that's starting up at my church.

I actually had to tell my boss that's where I'll be, so he'd give me the morning off. I mean, not that he can't see I'm fat ("What? You need to lose weight? Oh, I hadn't thought...well, ok, if you think so...") but its another thing to have to say it, y'know? :) It's all good...all on the road to health. 'S'all good. ;)

Anyway then it's straight to work then hopefully out for a drink and some nachos with the girls from work. And yes, I'm budgeting that all into my daily calories. So, a raisin for breakfast and a lettuce leaf for lunch. :)

Zzz...not much in the mood to write anything else, really. Bek's been sick for what seems like forever and I'm exhausted from the round-the-clock neediness (although secretly pleased that when my kids are sick, only mommy will do!). I've missed so much Zumba (sick kids not welcome in Y childcare room, which is ironic since that's probably where she picked up the damn germs in the first place) that I don't think my hips will ever move the same. :)

So, goodnight for now. I'll try to get back on some kind of writing schedule when I'm getting regular sleep.

Oh, and hey! There's a highlighting bleachout kit in my possession, with my name on it. I've never tried highlighting my own hair. Should be fun! ...or, something... Anyway I'll post pictures.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

body dysmorphia and forgetting I'm fat

OK, here's hoping I can get this in before my laptop battery dies...


I have %#$%@ had it. (haha, I'm such a dork, I won't even swear on my own blog).


I am SO fat.


I have to face up to the fact that I am suffering from some SERIOUS body dysmorphia.


I think I'm fine, so I eat brownies and chocolate Easter bunnies and cake.


I think I look OK so I skip my workout because I'd rather sleep. Or eat.


My husband still loves me so I think I can just eat whatever sugary treat he brings me.


It's OK. I'm not that fat. I'm healthy, I don't have any serious problems, so I must be OK.


Right?


Right??


Well, it's not OK. I'm not fine. What I am is very, very, unhealthily fat.


FATTT!


I'm not saying this to make myself feel bad. I'm saying this because I need to realize that my weight is putting me in serious danger of losing my health, my well-being, the love and desire of my husband...so much is at stake and I just think it's OK.


Why do I look in the mirror and think I'm OK? Why don't I realize how big I've really become? Why does it take a picture, taken by my daughter, to hold a mirror up to my face and show me that, OMG, I didn't even recognize myself in the photo and gee, maybe--just maybe--that means it is time to get serious.


I have to do something.


I have to wake up every day and remind myself that I am FAT. I can't go on eating everyting and anything I want, skipping workouts and sleeping because that's what I feel like doing.


I have to go and post before the battery dies, but let me leave you with this LOVELY picture of me that served as a serious wakeup call:


Sunday, April 08, 2007

me and valerie bertinelli



<---See that? That's the cover of this week's People magazine. As soon as I saw it I bought it, because of that cover there. On that cover there, Valerie Bertinelli (who I loved as Sydney on that show I can't remember the name of but could look up in the article but am too lazy to do so I won't) says she's fat and, as the new Jenny Craig spokeswoman, vows to lose thirty pounds.

Holy run-on sentences!

Anyway, the article caught my attention because like me, VB is 5-foot-2 and, like me, she is a size 14 and, like me, she is going to try to get skinny again. So I'm going to be following her story through the inevitable commercials and articles and use that as my inspiration.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

i'm cheating on you!

Sorry I haven't been here much. I've been spending all my time over at sparkpeople. It's a pretty good site, and it's freeeee. If you decide to join, add my username as a referral: kymblie. There's a place for referrals in your signup.Thanks. :)

So, Zumba today.

Sigh...

No, I'm not saying the instructor is bad. She's very cute and enthusiastic and nice, but apparently she left her sense of rhythm home today because OMG I was trying to keep the beat and then I looked at her and she was all over the place!! And she does this thing where she does each song twice so that the first time you can learn it and the second time you can "dance like no one's watching" that makes me want to scream because the whole time I'm doing one song I'm thinking about how we have to do it again instead of wondering what exciting new song we'll do next.

OK so maybe I have to learn to live in the moment a little more. :)

Oh and that darn mirror.

Today I positioned myself so my reflection was right on the crack between two mirrors, which made me look moderately normal, as opposed to the 5-foot-wide monster who usually takes the place of my actual reflection.

Stupid mirror.

:)

Oohhhzzzzz....I'd write more but I need a nap. :) How're you doin?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

ups and downs

So today I went to Zumba. It was a new class with an instructor who has never taught it before, although I guess she teaches lots of other stuff there. She was too cute, and I felt bad for her because they didn't publicize the new classes like, at all, and I was the only one there for the first ten minutes. She does things a lot differently than Tina but I think once she's got her routines down it will be a fun class.

Now let's talk about the room we were in.

We were in the studio, which, as I've mentioned before, has a huge mirror in it all over the wall so you can watch yourself workout. Woo hoo.

It's a fat mirror.

Like, a really-super-duper-makes-you-twice-as-wide-as-normal mirror.

I hate it.

I mean, this mirror is my vile arch enemy. I go in to have a nice, fun, sweaty workout and the mirror, it mocks me.

"You're fat" it reminds me, in case I'd started to forget and maybe even, gasp! started to feel good about my body. "You don't belong here. You look stupid doing those moves. Everyone else here is staring at the fat girl trying to dance. Go home, fat girl, and stuff your face with brownies because you'll never look good."

Yeah, it kind of sucks. So as much as I try to ignore the voice coming from the mirror, I always leave the classes held in that studio feeling depressed, like a fat slob who has so far to go I might as well quit now and relegate myself to shopping at Lane Bryant.

But then, I picked Jo up from her playdate at her friend's house and her friend's older sister said, and I quote, "You look like a teenager!"

I wanted to smooch her but I thought that might be weird. So I just said thanks. :)