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Sunday, April 30, 2006

finally back

whoa, i forgot how much time a baby takes up! there are days where it's like i do absolutely nothing but feed the baby change the baby feed the baby nap feed the baby change the baby...!

anyway...

this blog is no longer the baby countdown but is now the get-skinny blog! yes! because we simply cannot take the flab any longer.

ok, so right now i weigh about 174. it's hard to tell sometimes because the scale varies so much from day to day. i mean, i know it usually does but i swear depending on how full of milk i am i can go up or down 3 or four pounds! so while the scale usually says 174, sometimes it says 171. which, of course, i like better. but for weight-counting purposes we'll call it 174. that way when i get to 169 i can say i lost 5 lbs. instead of 2. :)

man, this weight really has to come off too. i feel so incredibly unsexy and undesireable, and that's not easy! it's so sad to look in the mirror and realize that i am now a fat person. you know, i was always so cute and little and yes a little round but mostly just cute. now i can't hide behind names like "chubby" or anything like that--i'm just fat! f-a-t f-a-t f-a-t. i've got to keep repeating it cuz i can be in real denial sometimes. i have a skinny-mirror in my bathroom and when i get dressed and go to leave i look in it and think i look pretty good. but then i'll be somewhere trying on clothes and i'll get a look at my butt in the mirror or i'll really think about that fact that--hello!--i can't even fit into some 16s anymore, and it will hit me that i am really fat.

sorry i keep saying it (fat fat fat) but i really need to get it into my head that i need to stop and get a hold of myself and lose weight before i start losing my health. i'm so blessed; i've always been healthy as a horse, but if i allow myself to stay like this for much longer i'm sure to start feeling the effects on my health.

the worst part for me about being fat is feeling invisible. this is something i just started to notice since having the baby. all my life i've always smiled at strangers when we make eye contact, and that usually gets them to smile back. i always keep my head up high and look out for opportunites to meet new people. but now, it's so awful, i could cry just thinking about it--people look away now when i look at them instead of smiling back. i hate it. it's even worse than not having anything to wear cuz nothing fits.

last sunday pastor gave a sermon on "body for God" about how God values our bodies and how much of the bible explains that. we're temples for the holy spirit, our bodies glorify God and are testimonies to his powerful, beautiful creation. i was so thankful for the timeliness of the message; i really needed to hear it. i took the outline home and did a whole intense study of the verses pastor gave us, checking them in the niv bible and the message paraphrase so i could really get a good grip on what was being said. it's really incredible that such a powerful God cares about our bodies. i'm going to need to remember that while i try to lose weight, so i don't give up and decide it's just easier to stay fat.

so from now on i promise to post on here every single thing i eat, and all the exercise i do. starting tomorrow, this blog will help keep me accountable, even if not a single person reads it. at least i know it's out there in the public domain, that should help. and i'm going to post my weight weekly. tomorrow's monday, so i'll post it every monday.

once i've lost 10 lbs i'm going to treat myself with...something. i'm not sure what yet. i have an appointment with a girlfriend on tuesday to get my hair cut. she says she wants to give me highlights, and i think it would be fun, so maybe that will be my first goal. ok, yeah, when i reach 164 lbs i will get my hair highlighted. yay!

tomorrow, if the baby (who has had a cold, poor thing!) gives me 5 minutes to do so, i'll take a picture of myself and post it. then i'll keep posting pics of me--maybe in the same outfit?--every 10 lbs or so. that should be...enlightening. especially if i can get a shot of me from the back. i mean, how often do you get that view of yourself? blessedly rarely, i'd say. :)

the one thing i'm worried about is how to lose weight while still breastfeeding, without it affecting the quality or quantity of milk. fortunately i've found resources online about that. just gotta make time to read them! ;)

ok that's all for now. tomorrow's the big day! good thing i gorged myself on chocolate today!
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